Can You Classify That?

I have a really hard time categorizing the flashbacks, anxiety, and light panic attacks that I have as mild PTSD, but I don’t honestly know another way to describe it. When I first stopped drinking, I would wake up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my cheeks after having a vivid nightmare of myself consuming alcohol. I woke up every single day nauseous trying to remember what I had done the night before. Did I go too far? Did I throw away the empty bottle? Did anyone notice? It would take a few minutes for that sinking feeling to go away as I woke up and realized that I hadn’t had a drink. Relief would overwhelm me as I realized I hadn't failed. I’ve been sick twice in the last year and a half, and each time I have felt a sense of panic due to the nausea and headaches that felt akin to having a hangover. It’s gotten better, but it hasn’t gone away.

While on vacation in Panama City Beach this past winter with my family, we were walking out to our car one morning and two girls walked past. They were visibly hungover and they smelled like stale booze. In the brief moment that it me took to take them in, my mind shut down, and I started to have a light panic attack. The waves of memories... the foolishness, the nausea, the stress, and the guilt started eating me alive as if I was one of those girls walking back to my room after getting some greasy hangover food. It was a horrible feeling, and even though no one noticed my moment of panic, it was also embarrassing.

It was embarrassing because, at times, I still struggle with a feeling of shame that I allowed such a toxic substance to rule my life for so long. Shame and guilt over the fact that I knew I had a problem, but I was too selfish to do anything about it. By talking about alcoholism, sobriety and recovery, and sharing my story I'm able to let go of those negative feelings little by little. And little by little those nightmares, nasty flashbacks, and the guilt will subside.

One of my favorite moments during AA meetings is when we say the Serenity Prayer together...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

We can’t change our pasts, but we can choose how we use our past experiences. I want to live a life full of adventure, happiness, and love while helping others to move forward as well. So, I can no longer allow my past to define me, or hold me back from living the life that I want. Instead, I use my past and my experiences as a lesson to help me re-define my future. What past experiences (that may have previously held you back) can you use as motivation in moving forward? How can they positively impact your future self?