I spent the majority of my life making decisions based on how I thought other people would judge me. Fear of what people may think of me. Fear of guilt and shame based on those potential judgements. This fear was built from one traumatic experience from which I felt all of these. I was judged based on what I had done, and I felt the immense weight of guilt and shame from these people's opinion of me.
I spent 6 years playing avoidance. I was so fearful of what people would think of me that I pretended to live a perfectly happy life to avoid making waves. To avoid having anyone think "badly" of me. When I needed an escape, I used alcohol to cope with my feelings and my fears. And when I couldn't take the "perfect" life any longer, I gave it up. I chose to live for me despite what people would think of me. I made waves, and then I spent the next 10 years trying to cope with the judgement and shame and guilt that was projected on me. And I continued to cope with alcohol. And eventually I became an alcoholic that drank every day until I couldn't feel the pain.
At 31 I got sober. At 32 I focused on self development. And at 33 I broke free. I faced my past. I faced my fears. I chose to believe that my past does not define me. And then I put intention behind that choice and allowed myself to not let it. I had to let go of resentment. I had to open my heart and choose forgiveness. I had to make the choice to move forward and focus on my future. I still have moments that I feel doubt. I still have moments where I start to worry what someone might think of me. It's nearly impossible not to. But when I find myself going down that path, I force myself to refocus. I focus on things that I am grateful for. I focus on Jesus. I focus on my family. I focus on my future. I remember that everything I am doing is not just for me. I am living a life that serves other people, and there is no shame in that.
Letting go of shame and guilt is not easy. It takes intention, determination, and continuous work. It takes understanding that you are living for the future and not in your past. It's not easy, but it is so worth it!
What shame or guilt from your past is holding you back? How can you confront this and find peace to let it go?
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