The first day of choosing sobriety is extremely hard, but it is also the easiest.
Day 1 is a day full of gratitude for a second chance and motivation to start anew. We’ve all been there - a new diet, workout routine, mindset change, job, etc… Day 1 is exciting, it’s fresh, and you are flipping jazzed to be healthy and whole again, right? It’s a new day, and you are SO excited for this opportunity! As you should be. The fact that we have the ability to change and start over is a blessing. But let me tell you a little secret...
it’s the days after day one that it gets hard.
When that fierce guilt and humiliation wear off from your last hoorah, and your intense motivation is eclipsed by that little voice in your head telling you that you don’t actually need this - that’s when it gets hard. That’s when you have to fight.
That voice… the one telling you that you don’t need to change? The one that tries to convince you that you don’t have a problem? Fight it. Don't listen. That voice was the one that I battled for years. At the same time I was telling myself that I had a serious problem and made the right decision to quit, it was trying to convince me that I could moderate and should keep going. When I reminded myself of all the horrible nights I’d had and how tired I’d become, it was telling me they’d only be worse without alcohol. As I was searching for mentors and coaches who I could relate to and coming up with nothing, that voice in the back of my mind was telling me it was because I didn’t really need them, I was fine.
How did I overcome this? How did I cope?
Honestly, I didn’t at first. If I hadn’t admitted my problem to my husband and told him I needed to get sober - I probably wouldn’t have kept going. Instead of giving in to that voice and letting him down, I just kept busy. I drowned out that voice. Each day I read the same 5 day Dear Addiction bible study plan, I poured over articles about the toxicity of alcohol and why it was physically bad for you, I spent time being active with my husband and children, I read, I worked out, I walked, I worked, and I ate (a lot). I wore myself out so I was too tired at night to even think about alcohol, and then I did it again the next day.
On Day 5 I had to attend our annual Thanksgiving Eve party, and it was one of the most stressful days I had had in a very long time. With no vice to “cope” with, I leaned on my husband and I simply sucked it up. It was not easy. I felt awkward, sad, and lonely. I wanted to feel victorious and proud, but I only felt defeat. Defeated because alcohol still held power over me. Defeated because I wanted to be there and enjoy my family and friends, but I couldn’t get comfortable. I couldn't make myself let go and be present.
The next day (Thanksgiving) I was so physically exhausted from the last 5 days of non-stop distraction and stress from the evening before that I just slept. I woke up to eat breakfast, and then I slept through the morning in the hotel room while my family worked out and spent time together, and then when we got to our family’s house I slept through everything up to dinner. My body was spent, and I coped by sleeping through the event.
I couldn’t handle the physical and mental exhaustion anymore, so on day 7 I went to my first AA meeting. I got there 15 minutes early, and just sat in my car. I felt fear, humiliation and so much anxiety. I wanted to turn my car back on and drive home, but at this point I knew that I needed an outlet. My husband was being such a great partner and was extremely supportive, but I still felt so much shame. I needed to find someone who understood that. I was searching for someone I could relate to. A coach. A mentor. A friend. Anyone. So I got out of my car, and the moment I walked into that room, I was greeted by 10+ other women who had chosen sobriety. Not a single one of these women was under age 60, they weren’t what I had been looking for, but I stayed, and I listened, and I felt at peace for the first time in a week. It was a start.
As humans, we were created to have and build relationships with others. Relating to others and building a household, a tribe, a community - that is what we were meant for. Two by two. Not alone. That first week of sobriety was brutal. I am incredibly lucky that I had my husband to lean on. He lifted me up and supported me through my lowest moments. He has been my rock, and I know that I would not have made it this far on my journey without him.
If you are battling something, my advice to you is to tell someone. It doesn’t matter what it is… addiction, depression, a loss, career problems, anything! It is so much easier to stay on the right path and get through these hardships with someone by your side. Hold yourself accountable. Say it out loud. Be brave. Be bold. Have faith. And know that you will withstand this storm.
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