Recently a friend of mine asked if I actually believed that alcohol would have killed me if I hadn’t stopped drinking. My answer was, and still is, an adamant yes. I don’t know whether it would have been the substance itself or pure negligence on my part, but I have no doubt that I would not have lived a full life.
By 2017 my drinking was the only constant in my life. In my eyes, my life was in shambles… I wasn’t being the best wife, mom, business partner, friend, leader, or Christian. My health was declining, and I didn’t know how to fix any of it because I didn’t see alcohol as the problem. Alcohol was my numbing savior.
Here's the thing, I had completely lost my passion for life. On my best days, I wondered if simply surviving and going through the motions was even worth it anymore. On my worst days, I prayed that it would just end. I was over all of it. Over living in fear…fear of judgement, shame, not being enough, killing myself, and never feeling true happiness again.
I remember driving to get the kids from school one day and thinking that it would be a blessing if I got into an accident and didn’t survive. This wasn't the first time that I had thought this. I believed with my whole heart that my family would be better off without me. But that day when I got home from school pick-up, and my son was telling me how lucky he was that I was his mom, was the day that I called my doctor and set up an appointment to talk about depression. Because of the way she spoke to me at my appointment, it was another year and a half before I found a new doctor and got a subscription that muted those suicidal thoughts… another year and a half of wishing it would somehow end.
Even when those feelings were finally suppressed, I still lived my life in a cycle of “surviving” to “alcohol induced mediocrity”. I did all the right things to make myself look normal from the outside, but on the inside I was dying. Emotionally and physically. It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I realized how bad it truly was.
As I detoxed, the fatigue, depression, illnesses, brain fog, aches and pains, swollen face, sickly skin, baggy eyes, irritability, and anger started to fade away. As I started to treat my body better, my mind became more clear. I slowly gained more energy. I noticed my skin brightening, my muscles and ligaments recovering more quickly, and my stamina increasing. I no longer had persistent stomach pains, constant headaches, and unbearable heartburn. After a while, I was able to stop taking my anti-depressants, and my smile started to come more naturally. By the end of my first year sober, I felt younger and more fit than I did at 25.
The damage that alcohol did to my mind and body during active addiction was immense. Had I continued on that path, I have no doubt that my life would have been cut short. Not only was it physically impossible for me to live this way, I was no longer emotionally and mentally able to cope.
We all have so much to live for… we simply have to be willing to get out of our own way. It's time to put down the thing holding you back! Step away from whatever it is that is slowly killing you. Whether it’s drugs, alcohol, an abusive partner, or our own limiting beliefs, we have to put an end to the cycle and move forward into our best selves. I promise you, we all have the power and the ability to do it. You can have everything you want, but you have to be willing to put in the work.
Don’t cut your life short when there is so much potential for greatness.
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